Page 56 - Poetry-Whimsy

The Baggage Fiend

‘Twas a ferocious baggage-man, with Atlantean back,
And biceps upon each arm piled in a formidable stack,
That plied his dread vocation beside a railroad track.

Wildly he tossed the baggage round the platform there, pell-mell,
And crushed to naught the frail bandbox where’er it shapeless fell,
Or stove the “Saratoga” like the flimsiest eggshell.
On ironclads, especially, he fell full ruthlessly.
And eke the trunk derisively called “Cottage by the Sea;”
And pulled and hauled and rammed and jammed the same
vindictively,
Until a yearning breach appeared, or fractures two or three,
Or straps were burst, or lids fell off, or some catastrophe
Crowned his Satanic zeal or moved his diabolic glee.
The passengers surveyed the wreck with diverse discontent,
And some vituperated him, and some made loud lament.
But wrath or lamentation on him were vainly spent.

To him there came a shambling man, sad-eyed and meek and thin,
Bearing an humble carpet-bag, with scanty stuff therein.
And unto that fierce baggage-man he spake, with quivering chin:
“Behold this scanty carpet-bag! I started a month ago,
With a dozen Saratoga trunks, hat box, and portmanteau,
But baggage-men along the route have brought me down so low.

“Be careful with this carpet-bag, kind sir,” said he to him.
The baggage-man received it with a smile extremely grim,
And softly whispered, “Mother, may I go out to swim?”
Then fiercely jumped upon that bag in wild, sardonic spleen,
And into countless fragments flew—to his profound chagrin—
For that lank bag contained a pint of nitro-glycerine.

The stranger heaved a gentle sigh, and stroked his quivering chin,
And then he winked with one sad eye, and said, with smile serene,
“The stuff to check a baggage-man is nitro-glycerine!”

—(Crown Jewels, 1887)

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